The Policy - A Retrospective Two Years Later

Remember, Remember the 5^th of November

November 5, 2015 is a day that is seared in my mind and my heart forever.  Now, two years later here is my reflection on that day, and beyond.

I was in my parents’ living room when my oldest daughter (not gay) called me and asked if I’d heard what the Church did now.  I hadn’t heard a thing at that point.  She’s been very antagonistic toward the Church for quite some time, so when she started ranting about the Church and telling me about some new policy I was thinking “there is no way it is that bad” because her M.O. is to vilify the Church, often without direct cause. 

She hung up in frustration and called me back about five minutes later and continued to yell at me about how horrible the Mormon Church was.  I finally asked her what she wanted me to do about it.  She said she wanted me to write a letter to the First Presidency telling them they were stupid, she said she wanted me to go to the Church Office Building and protest, she said she wanted me to go to General Conference and stand up and yell “opposed” and she said that when they excommunicated my youngest son for being gay she wanted me to resign.  I knew I would do none of those things. 

Then I got on Facebook and started seeing all of the posts and the fallout.  I saw and read a copy of the handbook and discovered it was exactly as bad as my daughter had told me it was. 

My heart sank and I was in total disbelief.  How could my church, that I love, that I devoted my life to, decide that my sweet, wonderful, gentle, compassionate, son was worse than someone who abuses their spouse and/or children, worse than someone who is a rapist, worse than someone who attempts to murder others?  Seriously?!?  These people who intentionally inflict tremendous physical and emotional harm MIGHT have a Church Disciplinary Counsel, but my son and so many others MUST have one for loving and committing to a partner!?!?  That didn’t make any sense! It was wrong!! It was horrible!! It was just so darn flat out WRONG!!!

What about the children of mixed orientation marriages (many that happened because Church leaders counseled that getting married to someone of the “acceptable” gender would make the gay go away (which of course it didn’t) and now these marriages had ended in divorce and perhaps one of the parents was in a same-sex relationship or marriage, and the other parent was still very much in the Church wanted to have their children baptized, pass the Sacrament, etc.  and both parents had agreed, but now these children were not eligible (Even after the scrambled “clarification” I realized that this could take an amicable divorce and turn it into a huge, and probably bitter, custody battle.  With the gay parent on one side and the other parent & the Church on the other side with the children in the middle). Whatever happened to “Suffer the children to come unto me?”  How could Christ’s church be pushing children away from him, excluding them for something they have absolutely no choice over? 

I was shocked and upset but still not willing to do the things my daughter had demanded of me. I knew that asking for from the leaders for answers would get me nowhere. 

Instead I went to the Source.  If this was from the Brethren and they speak for God I needed to ask Him. So, with tears streaming down my face, and my heart heavy and breaking, I fell to my knees and pled for understanding.  How could this be from God, this was harsh and cruel.  The God I worship is kind and compassionate and loving, this policy the complete opposite.  “Father, help me understand, this doesn’t feel like you.  This doesn’t feel like Christ. How can this policy be possible?’   

I was blessed with basically an instant answer (which is very rare for me).  I felt immense peace wash over me.  It was like the Lord was telling me not to worry, and He had this, and He was going to make things right according to His divine wisdom and divine timing.  I felt his love for me, for my son, for so many others.  I felt peace, lots of peace. 

A couple of days later was my very first (previously planned) Mama Dragons gathering at the Blue Lemon in Draper and I got to meet several other Mama Dragon for the first time.  Mama Dragons for the first time.  Mama Dragons are amazing women (many LDS) who are mothers of LGBTQ+ who love our children fiercely and will protect them so vehemently that a mama bear metaphor isn’t strong enough, instead we are Mama Dragons and capable of breathing fire on anyone who messes with our children.  (There was plenty of fire breathing going on that night).

I’ll never forget meeting and talking to a sweet woman named Berta, and tears running down her face as she acknowledged she and her wife Kathy were no longer welcome to attend their ward and be a voice in the Church.  They had just moved to a new ward and had planned to go meet the bishop and let him know that they were there and wanted to serve.  Now that was impossible. She told me that since she couldn’t stay and had no voice, but I was allowed to stay, I had a voice.  If I could find it in my heart to stay, that I could be the voice she and so many others no longer can.  She plead with me to be that voice, if I could.  I resolved then, even more firmly than ever to stay.  To show the love, to be the voice for my son, Michael, for Berta & Kathy, for so many other incredible LGBTQ+ people I have met, especially the young people I have met giving hugs as a Bridge Building Mormon Mama Dragon at three Pride festivals (and more to come).   

I resolve to be a voice or love and inclusion.  To be a safe refuge.  To listen to the pain of my LGBTQ+ loved ones.  To be a shoulder to cry on when needed.    To breathe fire when that is needed.   To love and much as I can! 

I still do not like the Policy, not one bit.  I pray every day that it will be rescinded.  I sustain the Brethren, but I feel, to my core, that this policy is not our Heavenly Parents’ ultimate plan or answer for their LGBTQ+ children, or the children of those families.  It just doesn’t fit.  I pray that the leaders of the Church will get more clarity on this issue; that inclusion and love will rise and triumph.  After all, there is precedent, in my lifetime I have seen an excluded, marginalized group of magnificent faithful saints welcomed into the Church. I just hope it doesn’t take as long this time. 

I love the Gospel, I still stay in the Church, I work in the Temple each week and it is a highlight of my life.  I know that not all can stay.  I know that the Temple brings pain to many.  I support these individuals, my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters, family members, allies and others that have stepped away from or completely out of the Church over this policy.  That is their path and I respect the agency that allows others to make that choice; as a matter of fact for many I believe this is their best choice, their only choice for mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  It is not my choice, it is not my path.  I still feel the pain in my heart and empathy for the pain in the hearts and souls of so many others over this policy, but I can still seek and find the Peace I did on that first dreadful night. 

Our loving Heavenly Parents and our Savior know and deeply love all of these members of the LGBTQ+ community, their families, friends and allies who are suffering over this.  They will someday, somehow “make this right”

I’m not sure what that means, or how it looks, or when it will happen, but I have a feeling inside my heart that a large part of it needs to be when the rank and file members of the Church are open minded enough with hearts softened enough to welcome Berta & Kathy, Lincoln & Robert, Spencer & Nick and so many other amazing gay couples who love God and love each other and have declared that love by committing to marriage, into our fold without judgement.  Open hearts to accept Michael, Joey, Shaun, Derek, Eve, Victoria, Andy, Chris, Jacob and too many more to count or name in to our midst without reservation, with full love, fellowship and acceptance.  Right now some of these amazing Sons and Daughters of God no longer even have a desire to be in our midst, the rejection has been too complete, too long, the pain too deep.  This is our loss.  We can do better, we must do better.  My heart tells me this so strongly.

So I stay, I am part of this church, just as much as the leaders are,  just as much as my ward members who may or may not be struggling with this like I am are.  I need to and I will make my presence felt on the pews, my voice heard over the pulpit (as it has been two or three times in the past two years) and speak up in classes.  I will honor my covenants to the best of my ability including to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  There is still much mourning, there are still many desperately in need of comfort.

So I stay, I pray this policy will end.  I put my trust in God and I love as loud as I can! 

Be Ambitious for Christ-like Love

I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting on January 22, 2017. The assigned topic was "Be Ambitious for Christ" a talk by Elder Kazuhiko Yamashita of the Seventy during the October General Conference of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. I spent a lot of time in contemplation and prayer in the preparation of the talk. I am pleased with the outcome. It is an important message that needs to get out to the Church and the world.

To be Ambitious for Christ is a powerful idea.  If we look at synonyms, we can say we are Enthusiastic for Christ, Committed for Christ, Energetic for Christ or Purposeful for Christ.  These are marvelous ideas to aspire to in our lives, particularly as we seek to spread the good news of His gospel.  Ambitious has another meaning as well, to have a desire to reach a particular goal.  Because we have been taught to become Christ-like, it could be said we are Ambitious to be as Christ and they only way to accomplish this is to be Ambitious in Christ.  To follow him and allow him to change us so we can become like he is.  

In his Conference talk Elder Yamashita gives an example of Alma the younger as a man who was ambitious for Christ.  A man who was a mighty missionary and leader, a man who sought the Lord’s direction and blessed those he served with.  We know Alma was not always a man who was ambitious for Christ, quite the opposite in fact.   The conversion of Alma the Younger is one of my favorites in all of scripture.  I love the contrast in that beautiful chiasmus in Alma 36 when the realization of his actions cause him so much pain and inexpressible horror he literally wants to cease to exist, then, after finding that hope in Christ, the chance for the Atonement to work in his life, that he can actually be ambitious in Christ, the joy he feels exceeds the pain and despair he felt.   I doubt many of us have felt these drastic conflicting emotions to the extent Alma did, but I think we can relate some of our experiences.  

One of the other reasons I love this story so much comes from Mosiah 27 when the angel tells Alma and his companions, the sons of Mosiah,  that he is there as an answer to the prayers of Alma the Elder.   I am sure that Alma’s mother also offered many prayers, as did Mosiah, his wife, and other family and friends.  I am sure they were ambitious in their prayers and hopeful in Christ to help these wayward children.

As we know we are to liken the scriptures unto us so let’s look at the story of Alma as if it happened today.  As the son of the prophet I’m sure Alma attended primary and later Young Men’s.  We don’t know Alma’s age, but the account of his visit from the angel refers to him as a “man” so let’s imagine he has been ordained to all the offices of the Aaronic priesthood.  He’s passed the sacrament and been home teaching with his father.  We haven’t been given a reason why he distanced himself and became among the unbelievers.  We do know he left the church.

What are some reasons people leave the Church today?  I personally know people who have left the Church for various reasons.  Some who felt that they had been deceived with a lack of transparency about certain aspects of Church History such as multiple accounts of the First Vision and the implementation of polygamy.   Some who feel that women are not respected enough or given enough leadership within the Church, including the Priesthood.  Some who find that the scriptures lack credibility based on science, especially archaeology.

One of the biggest reasons I have seen in recent years is the doctrine and policies regarding same sex marriage and people who are LGBT.  One young man who grew up in the Church, attended Young Men’s and graduated from seminary and considered a mission before he came out as gay at age 20 told me “You can’t be gay and Mormon”  Since he didn’t make a conscious choice to be gay he made a conscious choice to leave the Church.  Others have left not because they identify as LGBT, but because they support loved ones who do and have left in solidarity of them because they feel the policies are harsh and excluding   Though it is a difficult decision for many, the pain of staying exceeds the pain of stepping away.  These are good, kind, compassionate people.   How can we reach out and help them find joy that exceeds their pain?  

Are these, and other reasons for people leaving the Church valid?  Of course they are, for the person in enough inner pain and turmoil that they step away from something that was once such an important part of their lives.  It is not a decision many people take lightly.  Are these reasons true for all of us?  No.  I feel like I am respected and valued as a woman in the Church, I don’t aspire to be ordained to the Priesthood.  I know people who are same gender attracted: gay men and lesbian women who are in the Church, who hold callings and serve as ordinance workers in the Temple, for these people staying brings joy.  We all have different experiences and handle a “crisis of faith” in different ways.  We have been counseled to not judge those who experience things or choose differently than we do.   To assume people leave the church because they “want to sin” is very limiting and largely untrue.

About 20 years ago I attended church each week with my five young children. We were in a new ward that was huge and I didn’t really know anyone.  My youngest had just turned 2 and would start to cry when I tried to drop her off in nursery and the nursery leader told me I needed to stay with her.  So I didn’t even get to meet other ward members in Sunday School or Relief Society.  My husband had no desire to attend church with us and was unsupportive of things like family prayer, scripture study and Family Home Evening.   To go to church each week and feel alone and overwhelmed and hear woman after woman each week get up and express gratitude for their righteous husband who honored his Priesthood and lead their family accordingly became too overwhelming and difficult for me.  I stopped attending church.   I didn’t lose my testimony, I still believed, I just didn’t have the emotional stamina to keep going.  Fortunately my child of about seven years old was Ambitious for Christ and got himself up and ready for church and walked alone, down a dangerous road because he wanted to go to church, even if it meant he was going alone.  After a few weeks I decided that if he could do it, I needed to do it.  He didn’t ever reproach me for not going to church, he just set a powerful example, and continued to love me

I’ve mentioned  just a few reasons people leave the Church today.  How do we react to our family members who leave, our friends, our ward members who step away?  How did the people in Alma’s life react?  We know his father kept praying for him.  I’m sure his former Young Men’s leaders did too. His Bishop and Home Teachers must have, as well and some of the other members of the ward.   Alma didn’t just leave the Church, he sought to destroy it.   He maybe seemed like a lost cause.  Do you know anyone in your life who seems like a “lost cause”?  Fortunately, the Lord is endlessly loving and patient and he answers our prayers just as he answered the prayers of the people in Alma’s life.  Because of the Atonement of Christ  no one is ever a “lost cause”

Let’s imagine Alma as a member of our ward.  We watched him grow up, we saw him participate in the primary program, perhaps we heard him give a talk in church.  Then we saw him rebel and maybe our heart hurt for his family.  Maybe we joined them in praying for him.  Or, because we are imperfect, maybe we thought he was awful and wanted him to stay away from our kids and not corrupt them.   Then, one day we heard he was in a coma. Maybe we prayed for him, maybe we took dinner to his family as they waited for him to wake up.  Then he did wake up.  He told a remarkable story about seeing an angel and wanting to come back to church.  How is that news received?  Are we joyful, relieved, skeptical?   All of the above?  

As Alma and his friends stepped into the chapel following months or perhaps years of open rebellion are we ambitious enough for Christ, are we ambitious enough in Christ to welcome them back with open arms, to love them unconditionally? To give them the opportunity to feel at peace in our midst? To refrain from judging them for past behaviors?   To support them in allowing the Atonement to work miracles for them as we want it to for us?

It is important to realize that when Alma was in torment over his sins and behavior that the only one judging him, the only one who was able to bring him to the realization he needed to change was himself!    Imagine seeing posts on Facebook or tweets about this guy Alma and his buddies going around breaking the law and persecuting Mormons, doing their best to entice people away from God; then a few years later at General Conference there he is, not outside the Conference Center protesting, but inside being presented for a sustaining vote as a Prophet.  Could you sustain him?   Could you release the judgement you had of his past behavior?  The members in his day did.  They were Ambitious for Christ.   Is it hard to look past some behaviors?  Yes.  Is it possible?  Absolutely.   With God we can do all things.   

I know a man who had spent years out of the Church, he abused his wife and children, especially verbally and emotionally, refused to allow home teachers come over, didn’t let his children be baptized at age 8 and for a period of a few months even forbid his family from attending any church meetings, though his wife was a Sunday School teacher and his children wanted to attend Young Men’s and Young Women’s activities with their friends.   Then he had an experience that was similar to Alma in that it was a mighty change of heart, a complete 180 degree turn.  Though many in the ward didn’t know much of what was going on behind the closed doors for the family, they knew he had been inactive  since the family had been in the ward.   The ward members welcomed him back with warmth and friendship, letting go of the judgment.  Unfortunately this man, unlike Alma, didn’t sustain his activity and membership in the church and has returned to old, and even worse behaviors.  That is between him and the Lord.  The way a person uses their agency is not our business.  Our business is to be Ambitious for Christ and love them and welcome them and give them every opportunity to feel safe in our midst and want to stay.   

Of course an experience as dramatic as Alma’s is rare.  Most people that leave the Church and come back or consider coming back likely haven’t seen an angel. Perhaps the desire to return to the fold is more tentative.  Even more reason for us to be Ambitious in Christ and welcome people back into our midst.  

Missionary work is important.  Reaching people who are don’t know the gospel is important.  If we can find people to introduce to the gospel and help bring them to church that is marvelous and I think we should be open to these experiences.  If you’re like me though, it is highly likely that most missionary experiences will come from helping those who have left, feel the love we have for them, to feel safe and welcomed in our midst.  

I know an individual who spent years feeling isolated in church and in their youth left for decades.  Then after coming out as transgender she decided to once again attend church.  She had a wonderful ward who knew how to be Ambitious for Christ and allowed her to feel safe, supported and loved in their midst, even supporting her singing bass in the ward choir.  That ward would have welcomed Alma back with open arms.  She’s now in a different ward who is not welcoming, where she does not feel safe and she is so discouraged she is considering finding another church where she can still worship Christ, but feel safe and supported in doing so.  Her testimony has not changed, but I can not blame her from not wanting to be in a place she feels ostracized.  

Let us be the safe ward, let us be the people who allow unconditional love to be our first focus.  Let us be Ambitious for Christ and all of his brothers and sisters who are seeking a place to feel connected to him.  

As we are Ambitious for Christ we need to follow his commandments.  The resurrected Savior instructs Peter that a way to show love for Christ is to feed his sheep.  The same counsel can apply to us. How can we feed the sheep who have left the fold?  Don’t we need to rescue them first?   The hymn Dear to the Heart of the Shepherd teaches this beautifully.  

Dear to the heart of the Shepherd,

Dear are the lambs of his fold;

Some from the pasture are straying,

Hungry and helpless and cold.

See, the Good Shepherd is seeking,

Seeking the lambs that are lost,

Bringing them back with rejoicing,

Saved at such infinite cost.

Dear to the heart of the Shepherd,

Dear are the “ninety and nine”;

Dear are the sheep that have wandered

Out in the desert to pine.

Hark! He is earnestly calling,

Tenderly pleading today:

“Will ye not seek for my lost ones,

Off from my shelter astray”

Out in the desert they wander

Hungry and helpless and cold;

Off to the rescue he hastens

Bringing them back to the fold.

Green are the pastures inviting;

Sweet are the waters and still.

Lord, we will answer thee gladly,

“Yes, blessed Master we will!

Make us thy true under-shepherds;

Give us a love that is deep.

Send us out into the desert,

Seeking thy wandering sheep.”

Out in the desert they wander

Hungry and helpless and cold;

Off to the rescue we’ll hasten

Bringing them back to the fold.

What an amazing blessing to be given the opportunity to join with him in rescuing his sheep, bringing them back to the fold and feeding them.  Perhaps the best food we can offer all of his sheep with whom we come into contact is the fruit from the Tree of Life.  That love of God. Charity, the pure love of Christ that doesn’t envy, isn’t selfish, seeks the good in others and the world rather than evil, rejoices in truth.  Charity has faith and hope, endurance and never fails.  

When we seek to be Ambitious for Christ we must seek to be possessed of Charity, to have it become a part of us, who we are.  We do not need to agree with everything others say or do, but we must love them.  We are commanded to love others as Christ loved us.  Consider what a powerful love that truly is. Our Savior, Jesus Christ loved every person on this earth enough to suffer all sins, sorrows, pains, and experience torment more than we can possibly imagine or comprehend to atone for each one of us.  We all need this atonement, though we may not be as Alma, the vilest of sinners, we are all sinners and all need the atoning power of Christ.  He loved us enough to give us this marvelous miraculous blessing.  In return he asks us to love God, love others, and to feed his sheep.  

With such an example how can we possibly do anything but reach out to those in pain, those who have wandered, those who feel lost, or broken, or in despair?  To love these precious brothers and sisters.  

Though it is definitely a worthy mission and goal to bring people to the Church, and even back to the Church, that should not be our only purpose.  Charity, the pure love of Christ is not the means to the end.  It is the end!   It is the purpose.  It is the goal.  When Lehi arrived at the Tree of Life, to the love of Christ, that is what he wanted for his family, not that they all passively show up to meetings every week, but that they experience and rejoice in the Love of God.  

Brothers and Sisters as we go forth to seek the power of the Atonement in our lives to be ambitious for Christ, to help gather his sheep into His fold, into His arms and into His pure transforming love, we need to just show that charity, that love to all.  It is not always easy, but with God all things are possible.

I love you, I love my family members and friends who are lost wandering sheep, I love my Heavenly Parents and my Savior and I feel their love for me.  May we all feel that love and may we all seek to share it by loving others unconditionally as we are truly ambitious in Christ .

Copyright - Lisa Kimberly Knapp

  January 2017