Four years ago today my dear friend Shawna passed from this life. Shawna was (is) one of the most loving, caring Christ-like people I have ever met. Unfortunately for all the light she brought to others she lived in darkness herself, suffering from bi-polar disorder. Her passing was by her own hand.
I met Shawna almost 11 years ago. My son, then 6, had to have an extensive surgery. In Relief Society it was announced that Michael was going in for surgery the next day so please keep him in your prayers. His surgery would require almost a week in Primary Children's hospital following the procedure.
Later that evening a there was a knock at our door. I opened it to find Shawna standing there. She and her family were fairly new in the ward and didn't know her except by sight.
Shawna introduced herself and said that she had spent time in the hospital as a child and knew how boring and uncomfortable it could be. She gave us a wonderful care package with coloring books, play doh and a delightful books called No Jumping on the Bed. (It is to this day one of my favorite read-aloud picture books).
I was so touched by the kindness and compassion and charity it took for a total stranger to take the time to do something so thoughtful. That care package helped Michael during his hospital stay... but it changed my life.
Shawna and I became very close after that. We walked and did other exercising together. Told each other confidential things, talked together. When I needed good advice it was Shawna I usually went to. It was very hard to watch her move from the neighborhood to a community about 30 minutes away. We kept in touch for the most part. I was privileged to attend the sealing of their fifth child, a daughter they adopted in a pretty much miraculous chain of events.
Shawna was a wonderfully talented person. She had the voice (and personality) of an angel. She also was very spiritual and had a strong testimony of the Gospel.
In the early spring of 2005 I was in a musical that centered on a temple dedication. I was also on the production team. We wanted to double cast the show and needed another leading lady. I tried several times, unsuccessfully, to reach Shawna by phone to invite her to take part in this production.
About this time as I was driving home from work one day a neighbor flagged me down. She told me that she had seen Shawna's obituary in the paper that day. I raced back to work to pick up a copy of the paper. I read that Shawna had returned to her Heavenly Father after a long fight with mental illness. I feared the worst, that Shawna had committed suicide.
I felt as though the earth had fallen out from under me. I was devastated. I didn't know what the eternal consequences were for this terrible choice, but remembering a story I had heard about a near death experience and that the person who had the experience had witnesses the hell-like suffering of someone who had killed them self.
I could not bear to think of my beautiful, loving friend suffering like that. I cried non-stop for days. I could barely function. I plead with the Lord for peace, but it did not come. What if I could never see Shawna, whom I love like a sister, again.
I know that the Lord prompting me to reach out to Shawna, even though I didn't connect with her was a tender mercy to me. I know that I tried to reach out to her. I don't feel guilty for not being there for her. He greatly blessed me in this.
After several days of this painful existence I drove the 30 minutes to her funeral. I greeted her loving husband, David, at the viewing. He wrapped his arms around me and said "Oh Lisa, she loved you." As I saw her lying there I still felt despair, that empty shell was not my beautiful friend, she was gone possibly forever.
Shawna's beautiful sister Cherie greeted me. I knew Cherie fairly well through Shawna. We hugged and cried. Cherie was scheduled to speak. I don't know how she had the strength to do that. I went into the chapel to wait for the funeral to begin and continued to sob.
We heard several talks about the wonderful Christ-like person Shawna was, how she always tried to help those in need. She literally visited those in prison and tried to share friendship and hope.
David also spoke. He read from an Ensign article from October of 1987 by Elder M. Russell Ballard entitled "Suicide, Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not". Elder Ballard quoted Elder Bruce R. McConkie:
This was a turning point. I felt I had been given a great gift... hope. I should point out that David works in the media department of the Church. He works closely with the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and the First Presidency. These good men knew the trial David and his family were going through at this time. Elder Jeffery R. Holland made the trip from Salt Lake City, skipping a meeting with the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve to attend the funeral with the blessing of President Gordon B. Hinckley.
I think it is an unwritten rule in LDS funerals that if an apostle shows up he speaks, even if he was not on the program.
This wonderful gentle man, whom I sustain as a prophet, seer and revelator; who has been called and set apart as a Special Witness of Jesus Christ stood and spoke. He spoke of the love of President Hinckley, he spoke of the wonderful Plan of Salvation. He quoted scripture that tells us that by our good works we are saved. He promised that Shawna, having done many good works, and leaving her five beautiful children as evidence of some of her best work that she still might gain her exaltation!
The tears I had been shedding for days continued to flow, increased even, but now rather than tears of despair they were tears of joy! I knew then, as I still know that Shawna will be okay. I know that a loving Father in Heaven and our Savior are in charge. They have the unique ability to look on the heart and intentions of all. They can judge so perfectly and are also merciful. Jesus, our loving brother has the unique position of having suffered our sins and sorrows. He knows perfectly the feelings of anguish I had been feeling, he could heal me. Even more importantly he knows and understands the feelings of hopelessness Shawna was feeling that lead her to this tragic decision. He can also heal her, eternally.
I always had learned about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and believed in the power it had to change lives through repentance. But until I lost Shawna and suffered misery untold over it, then felt the wonderful peace and joy I had been begging for I did not fully comprehend the infinite power it has. I am sure there is still much I can and should learn about the far reaching consequences of this unimaginable and selfless act of true and pure love.
One of the hymns sung at Shawna's funeral was Where Can I Turn For Peace. It was one of her favorite hymns and is now one of my favorites.
Shawna gave me many gifts and blessings through her friendship, but her final and greatest gift she gave me in her life was a greater testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The words of this hymn are true. Christ truly is our friend and through his infinite love we can find peace.
I have been blessed to feel Shawna near me a few times in the past four years. I know that, occasionally, she is helping guide my life. She helped me reconnect with Cherie recently, with powerful results for me. God, in his mercy has allowed these tender mercies in my life. I am grateful.
I love you Shawna, I think of you often and miss you so much. I sometimes even pray that the Lord will continue to watch over you and bless you as you continue to progress. I look forward to seeing you again. Thank you for all you taught me through your life and example.
Lisa
P.S. I promise that this is not going to be a blog only about death! I have just had two wonderful daughters of God on my mind a lot lately.
I met Shawna almost 11 years ago. My son, then 6, had to have an extensive surgery. In Relief Society it was announced that Michael was going in for surgery the next day so please keep him in your prayers. His surgery would require almost a week in Primary Children's hospital following the procedure.
Later that evening a there was a knock at our door. I opened it to find Shawna standing there. She and her family were fairly new in the ward and didn't know her except by sight.
Shawna introduced herself and said that she had spent time in the hospital as a child and knew how boring and uncomfortable it could be. She gave us a wonderful care package with coloring books, play doh and a delightful books called No Jumping on the Bed. (It is to this day one of my favorite read-aloud picture books).
I was so touched by the kindness and compassion and charity it took for a total stranger to take the time to do something so thoughtful. That care package helped Michael during his hospital stay... but it changed my life.
Shawna and I became very close after that. We walked and did other exercising together. Told each other confidential things, talked together. When I needed good advice it was Shawna I usually went to. It was very hard to watch her move from the neighborhood to a community about 30 minutes away. We kept in touch for the most part. I was privileged to attend the sealing of their fifth child, a daughter they adopted in a pretty much miraculous chain of events.
Shawna was a wonderfully talented person. She had the voice (and personality) of an angel. She also was very spiritual and had a strong testimony of the Gospel.
In the early spring of 2005 I was in a musical that centered on a temple dedication. I was also on the production team. We wanted to double cast the show and needed another leading lady. I tried several times, unsuccessfully, to reach Shawna by phone to invite her to take part in this production.
About this time as I was driving home from work one day a neighbor flagged me down. She told me that she had seen Shawna's obituary in the paper that day. I raced back to work to pick up a copy of the paper. I read that Shawna had returned to her Heavenly Father after a long fight with mental illness. I feared the worst, that Shawna had committed suicide.
I felt as though the earth had fallen out from under me. I was devastated. I didn't know what the eternal consequences were for this terrible choice, but remembering a story I had heard about a near death experience and that the person who had the experience had witnesses the hell-like suffering of someone who had killed them self.
I could not bear to think of my beautiful, loving friend suffering like that. I cried non-stop for days. I could barely function. I plead with the Lord for peace, but it did not come. What if I could never see Shawna, whom I love like a sister, again.
I know that the Lord prompting me to reach out to Shawna, even though I didn't connect with her was a tender mercy to me. I know that I tried to reach out to her. I don't feel guilty for not being there for her. He greatly blessed me in this.
After several days of this painful existence I drove the 30 minutes to her funeral. I greeted her loving husband, David, at the viewing. He wrapped his arms around me and said "Oh Lisa, she loved you." As I saw her lying there I still felt despair, that empty shell was not my beautiful friend, she was gone possibly forever.
Shawna's beautiful sister Cherie greeted me. I knew Cherie fairly well through Shawna. We hugged and cried. Cherie was scheduled to speak. I don't know how she had the strength to do that. I went into the chapel to wait for the funeral to begin and continued to sob.
We heard several talks about the wonderful Christ-like person Shawna was, how she always tried to help those in need. She literally visited those in prison and tried to share friendship and hope.
David also spoke. He read from an Ensign article from October of 1987 by Elder M. Russell Ballard entitled "Suicide, Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not". Elder Ballard quoted Elder Bruce R. McConkie:
The late Elder Bruce R. McConkie, formerly of the Quorum of the Twelve, expressed what many Church leaders have taught: “Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” (Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771; some italics added.)
This was a turning point. I felt I had been given a great gift... hope. I should point out that David works in the media department of the Church. He works closely with the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and the First Presidency. These good men knew the trial David and his family were going through at this time. Elder Jeffery R. Holland made the trip from Salt Lake City, skipping a meeting with the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve to attend the funeral with the blessing of President Gordon B. Hinckley.
I think it is an unwritten rule in LDS funerals that if an apostle shows up he speaks, even if he was not on the program.
This wonderful gentle man, whom I sustain as a prophet, seer and revelator; who has been called and set apart as a Special Witness of Jesus Christ stood and spoke. He spoke of the love of President Hinckley, he spoke of the wonderful Plan of Salvation. He quoted scripture that tells us that by our good works we are saved. He promised that Shawna, having done many good works, and leaving her five beautiful children as evidence of some of her best work that she still might gain her exaltation!
The tears I had been shedding for days continued to flow, increased even, but now rather than tears of despair they were tears of joy! I knew then, as I still know that Shawna will be okay. I know that a loving Father in Heaven and our Savior are in charge. They have the unique ability to look on the heart and intentions of all. They can judge so perfectly and are also merciful. Jesus, our loving brother has the unique position of having suffered our sins and sorrows. He knows perfectly the feelings of anguish I had been feeling, he could heal me. Even more importantly he knows and understands the feelings of hopelessness Shawna was feeling that lead her to this tragic decision. He can also heal her, eternally.
I always had learned about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and believed in the power it had to change lives through repentance. But until I lost Shawna and suffered misery untold over it, then felt the wonderful peace and joy I had been begging for I did not fully comprehend the infinite power it has. I am sure there is still much I can and should learn about the far reaching consequences of this unimaginable and selfless act of true and pure love.
One of the hymns sung at Shawna's funeral was Where Can I Turn For Peace. It was one of her favorite hymns and is now one of my favorites.
Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He only One.
He answers privately, reaches my reaching in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, Love without end.
Shawna gave me many gifts and blessings through her friendship, but her final and greatest gift she gave me in her life was a greater testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The words of this hymn are true. Christ truly is our friend and through his infinite love we can find peace.
I have been blessed to feel Shawna near me a few times in the past four years. I know that, occasionally, she is helping guide my life. She helped me reconnect with Cherie recently, with powerful results for me. God, in his mercy has allowed these tender mercies in my life. I am grateful.
I love you Shawna, I think of you often and miss you so much. I sometimes even pray that the Lord will continue to watch over you and bless you as you continue to progress. I look forward to seeing you again. Thank you for all you taught me through your life and example.
Lisa
P.S. I promise that this is not going to be a blog only about death! I have just had two wonderful daughters of God on my mind a lot lately.
