Temples, Ministering, Inclusion & Healing

I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting on June 17, 2018.  The assigned topic was "Get Ye to the Temple".  It was also Father's Day.   The text of my talk is below:

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One of my earliest memories of my father is him dressed in his suit and carrying his little suitcase as he and my mother headed to the temple.   The temple was always important to my father and he demonstrated his love for the temple by his actions and serving within the walls often.   As his health was declining and he wasn’t able to attend church anymore, let alone the temple he realized that his recommend was about to expire and made arrangements for both the bishop and the stake president to come see Dad at home to renew the recommend.  My father’s dedication to the Gospel and the temple have always been an example and inspiration to me. 

I have a somewhat unusual relationship with the temple.  I didn’t get married there.  I wasn’t endowed as a step to a mission or marriage.  Not that there is anything wrong with that.  However, I am grateful that when I did choose to receive my temple endowment it was because I wanted to participate in the blessings of the temple.  That was 20 years ago this past April.  I have a deep love for the temple.   I have had many wonderful experiences in the temple.  It blesses my life.

In April General Conference Elder Renlund gives a powerful list of blessings available to those who participate in family history and temple work

"As we participate in family history and temple work today, we also lay claim to "healing" blessings promised by prophets and apostles.  These blessings are breathtakingly amazing because of their scope, specificity and consequences in mortality.  This long list includes these blessings: 

• Increased understanding of the Savior and His atoning sacrifice;
• Increased influence of the Holy Ghost to feel strength and direction for our own lives;
• Increased faith, so that conversion to the Savior becomes deep and abiding;
• Increased ability and motivation to learn and repent because of an understanding of who we are, where we come from, and a clearer vision of where we are going;
• Increased refining, sanctifying, and moderating influences in our hearts;
• Increased joy through an increased ability to feel the love of the Lord;
• Increased family blessings, no matter our current, past, or future family situation or how imperfect our family tree may be;
• Increased love and appreciation for ancestors and living relatives, so we no longer feel alone;
• Increased power to discern that which needs healing and thus, with the Lord’s help, serve others;
• Increased protection from temptations and the intensifying influence of the adversary; and
• Increased assistance to mend troubled, broken, or anxious hearts and make the wounded whole.

These are powerful, amazing blessings.  I’d like to focus on a few of them.

Increased faith, so that conversion to the Savior is deep and abiding

Increased joy through increased ability to feel the love of the Lord

To me these go hand in hand.   As I become more converted to Christ and come to know Him more I do feel his love increase in my life.  I feel his love increase for me and for others.   Many years ago as I was struggling to make one of the most difficult decisions of my life I had fasted and prayed over a period of several weeks, maybe longer.  I wasn’t getting clarity on my answer.   I wasn’t ready to confide in anyone other than through prayer.  I felt lost, confused and alone.   I finally got a chance to attend a session in the Provo temple.  As I sat in the Celestial room pouring my heart out, again, in prayer I gazed at the larger than life painting of our Savior on the wall.  I was overwhelmed by the feeling of his love for me.  It was tangible. It was comforting.  I didn’t receive my answer in the temple that day, but I did receive the strength to have faith that the answer would come and it would be the answer that was best for me.

I have often felt his love for me and his absolute ability to heal and support me and those around me.  Not just in this situation, but in the darkest most difficult times in my life.  He gives me peace in the midst of my storms.   I am confident he will do the same for you and as we attend the Temple we will feel this and recognize it even more fully.

As many of you know I am blessed to have a weekly shift on Saturday evenings in the sealing office of the Provo City Center Temple.  This is a highlight of my week.  Because of this I tend to think a lot about the sealing ordinance and the blessings that come from uniting families.  Sometimes this takes a lot of faith too.  Faith that everything will work out to bring families together in the Lord’s timing.  As previously mentioned I was not married in the Temple.  I was never sealed to my former husband and therefore my children are not sealed to me.  Sometimes this is very difficult to think about, but I just need to lean on the Lord and trust in his promises.  I believe that somehow some way I will have the opportunity to experience those blessings and be able to have my children sealed to me.  It is painful to feel like you’re on the outside, like you don’t have a place, like you don’t quite fit.

This leads me to the other promises Elder Renlund referenced in his talk that I’d like to discuss:

• Increased power to discern that which needs healing and thus, with the Lord’s help, serve others;
• Increased assistance to mend troubles, broken or anxious hearts and make the wounded whole

I think these also go hand in hand.  

I can best illustrate this by sharing an experience I had earlier this month.   On the first Sunday of June I went to Salt Lake and walked with Mormons Building Bridges in the Pride Parade.   For those who are unfamiliar with Mormons Building Bridges their mission statement begins:

"In accordance with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Mormons Building Bridges is a community of Latter-day Saints dedicated to conveying love and acceptance to all who identify as LGBTQI+ and those who experience same-sex attraction and gender dysphoria.  The Mormons Building Bridges community asserts that all our LGBTQI+ sisters and brothers are inherently worthy of love and belonging in our homes, congregations, and communities - no matter where their life path may take them" 

As I lined up I saw many other dressed in Sunday Best holding colorful signs emblazoned with scriptures, messages of love, quotes, and lyrics from hymn and primary songs.   All had shining faces and bright smiles.  As our turn came and we began to walk down the street and I saw all of the people lined up on the side of the road cheering and waving I felt overwhelmed with emotion and gratitude, I felt the Spirit so strongly and the tears began to stream down my face.  A bit later I was able to just soak up the joy of the smiling, cheering crowd and the smiles, waves, and signs of love from my fellow walkers. I also smiled and waved the ASL sign for "I love you" at the crowd.  

Toward the end of the parade route I saw a young lady, probably about 21 or so on the side of the road, she was in the front row of the crowd and she was sobbing.  Without even thinking I stepped out of the group, walked over to her and wrapped my arms around her in a tight embrace.  She clung to me and we cried together as we hugged. She thanked me over and over.  I told her I loved her and I meant it. I could feel the love that Christ has for her too.  This was one of the most deeply moving and spiritual experiences I've ever had.  

I can see this as a parable of temple work.   The crowds alongside the street far outnumbered those of us Mormons walking in the parade.  Just as those who have not had the opportunity to receive the blessings of the temple in their lifetime far outnumber those of us who have.  From my perspective I couldn't tell for sure, but I've heard many times that the Mormons Building Bridges entry gets the biggest cheer from the crowds.  They see hope in us, a glimmer of acceptance where previously they may have felt they didn't belong.  As we think of those waiting to receive these ordinances and blessings, those who don't yet fit in or have a place, but see hope as we unify and go to the temples to create a place for them; wouldn't they be cheering us on as we do family history and attend the temple to perform their sacred ordinances?  

As for the young lady I hugged, I don't know her or her story so I am imagining one, which unfortunately, is all too common.  Perhaps she comes from a very strict family who kicked her out after she came out to them as a member of the LGBTQ community.  Though  Church leaders counsel LDS parents to not do this, it still happens.  I picture this young lady as no longer belonging to her family and feeling ostracized, hopeless and alone.  Maybe not just rejected by her family, but her faith community and, possibly even, in her mind, by extension God.  It may sound melodramatic, but this is a very real experience for too many of our LGBTQ brothers and sisters.  When we think of those who have gone before us, who didn't have the opportunity to hear the gospel or participate in the ordinances of the temple.  They are separated from their families and even the full potential of the Celestial Kingdom.  People who are lost and alone, separate, possibly afraid, sad, and hurting.  When we seek out their names and complete their ordinances it  is akin to seeing their tears, stepping out of the crowd and embracing them with love and inclusion.  They will be able to express their gratitude and we will be able to embrace them, show our love and welcome them into our eternal family.  

In November 2017 at a BYU Devotional Elder M. Russell Ballard addressed the issue of LGBT members belonging in the Lord's Kingdom and a call for the rest of us to be more compassionate and welcoming. It is not just out LGBTQ members who sometimes feel like they don't fit in.  I remember feeling despair of not having an eternal family or a worthy priesthood holder in my home; this made attending church incredibly painful when I'd hear other women expressing gratitude for having these blessings.  I even stopped coming to church for a few weeks because it hurt too much. There are some among us who may feel troubled, broken or have anxious hearts due to many factors such as being divorced, single, having a wayward child, or no children, strained family relationships, or being estranged from parents or children, or many other possibilities.  If we can consider inserting each of these circumstances in addition to the specific circumstance Elder Ballard discussed we can see this as more universally applicable.  He was responding to questions and had been asked about what advice he had for LGBT members,  He said:  

"I want everyone who is a member of the Church who is gay or lesbian to know that I believe you have a place in the kingdom and I recognize that sometimes it may be difficult for you to see where you fit in the Lord's Church, but you do.
We need to listen to and understand what our LGBT brothers and sisters are feeling and experiencing.  Certainly we must do better than we have done in the past so that all members feel they have a spiritual home where their brothers and sisters love them and they have a place to worship and serve the Lord."  

If we substitute any of the previously mentioned circumstances into this model and seek to listen to and understand our brothers and sisters who are hurting and truly minister to them, we are more fully living up to our covenants.  I want to make it clear than I know this was is amazing!  We do this very well.  I have seen so much love and support for one another, but there is always room for improvement.  I know that I can be better at reaching out and ministering to others.  

As we attend the temple and participate in the ordinances there as often as we can according to our individual circumstances and season of life we are in we will find peace and solace within the walls.  As we seek to gain a greater testimony of our Savior Jesus Christ ad increase our capacity to feel his love for us our lives will be greatly enhanced.  We will be able to more fully discern who and what needs healing and more fully minister to and serve them.  We will be able to seek to mend troubles, broken or anxious hearts and work to make the wounded whole as we reach out to the living and the dead.  Especially those who feel left out, unseen, marginalized, or alone.  

I testify that as we do this our lives will be changed, we will be changed.  We will become more like the Savior and be better disciples of Christ, able to love one another as he loves us.  

I testify that Jesus Christ lives.  He suffered for us, he died for us, and he still seeks to help us become more like him.  As we seek the blessings of the temple and the whisperings of the Spirit we will be able to follow him and minister to those he would.  I say this is his sacred name, the name of Jesus Christ, Amen

The Policy - A Retrospective Two Years Later

Remember, Remember the 5^th of November

November 5, 2015 is a day that is seared in my mind and my heart forever.  Now, two years later here is my reflection on that day, and beyond.

I was in my parents’ living room when my oldest daughter (not gay) called me and asked if I’d heard what the Church did now.  I hadn’t heard a thing at that point.  She’s been very antagonistic toward the Church for quite some time, so when she started ranting about the Church and telling me about some new policy I was thinking “there is no way it is that bad” because her M.O. is to vilify the Church, often without direct cause. 

She hung up in frustration and called me back about five minutes later and continued to yell at me about how horrible the Mormon Church was.  I finally asked her what she wanted me to do about it.  She said she wanted me to write a letter to the First Presidency telling them they were stupid, she said she wanted me to go to the Church Office Building and protest, she said she wanted me to go to General Conference and stand up and yell “opposed” and she said that when they excommunicated my youngest son for being gay she wanted me to resign.  I knew I would do none of those things. 

Then I got on Facebook and started seeing all of the posts and the fallout.  I saw and read a copy of the handbook and discovered it was exactly as bad as my daughter had told me it was. 

My heart sank and I was in total disbelief.  How could my church, that I love, that I devoted my life to, decide that my sweet, wonderful, gentle, compassionate, son was worse than someone who abuses their spouse and/or children, worse than someone who is a rapist, worse than someone who attempts to murder others?  Seriously?!?  These people who intentionally inflict tremendous physical and emotional harm MIGHT have a Church Disciplinary Counsel, but my son and so many others MUST have one for loving and committing to a partner!?!?  That didn’t make any sense! It was wrong!! It was horrible!! It was just so darn flat out WRONG!!!

What about the children of mixed orientation marriages (many that happened because Church leaders counseled that getting married to someone of the “acceptable” gender would make the gay go away (which of course it didn’t) and now these marriages had ended in divorce and perhaps one of the parents was in a same-sex relationship or marriage, and the other parent was still very much in the Church wanted to have their children baptized, pass the Sacrament, etc.  and both parents had agreed, but now these children were not eligible (Even after the scrambled “clarification” I realized that this could take an amicable divorce and turn it into a huge, and probably bitter, custody battle.  With the gay parent on one side and the other parent & the Church on the other side with the children in the middle). Whatever happened to “Suffer the children to come unto me?”  How could Christ’s church be pushing children away from him, excluding them for something they have absolutely no choice over? 

I was shocked and upset but still not willing to do the things my daughter had demanded of me. I knew that asking for from the leaders for answers would get me nowhere. 

Instead I went to the Source.  If this was from the Brethren and they speak for God I needed to ask Him. So, with tears streaming down my face, and my heart heavy and breaking, I fell to my knees and pled for understanding.  How could this be from God, this was harsh and cruel.  The God I worship is kind and compassionate and loving, this policy the complete opposite.  “Father, help me understand, this doesn’t feel like you.  This doesn’t feel like Christ. How can this policy be possible?’   

I was blessed with basically an instant answer (which is very rare for me).  I felt immense peace wash over me.  It was like the Lord was telling me not to worry, and He had this, and He was going to make things right according to His divine wisdom and divine timing.  I felt his love for me, for my son, for so many others.  I felt peace, lots of peace. 

A couple of days later was my very first (previously planned) Mama Dragons gathering at the Blue Lemon in Draper and I got to meet several other Mama Dragon for the first time.  Mama Dragons for the first time.  Mama Dragons are amazing women (many LDS) who are mothers of LGBTQ+ who love our children fiercely and will protect them so vehemently that a mama bear metaphor isn’t strong enough, instead we are Mama Dragons and capable of breathing fire on anyone who messes with our children.  (There was plenty of fire breathing going on that night).

I’ll never forget meeting and talking to a sweet woman named Berta, and tears running down her face as she acknowledged she and her wife Kathy were no longer welcome to attend their ward and be a voice in the Church.  They had just moved to a new ward and had planned to go meet the bishop and let him know that they were there and wanted to serve.  Now that was impossible. She told me that since she couldn’t stay and had no voice, but I was allowed to stay, I had a voice.  If I could find it in my heart to stay, that I could be the voice she and so many others no longer can.  She plead with me to be that voice, if I could.  I resolved then, even more firmly than ever to stay.  To show the love, to be the voice for my son, Michael, for Berta & Kathy, for so many other incredible LGBTQ+ people I have met, especially the young people I have met giving hugs as a Bridge Building Mormon Mama Dragon at three Pride festivals (and more to come).   

I resolve to be a voice or love and inclusion.  To be a safe refuge.  To listen to the pain of my LGBTQ+ loved ones.  To be a shoulder to cry on when needed.    To breathe fire when that is needed.   To love and much as I can! 

I still do not like the Policy, not one bit.  I pray every day that it will be rescinded.  I sustain the Brethren, but I feel, to my core, that this policy is not our Heavenly Parents’ ultimate plan or answer for their LGBTQ+ children, or the children of those families.  It just doesn’t fit.  I pray that the leaders of the Church will get more clarity on this issue; that inclusion and love will rise and triumph.  After all, there is precedent, in my lifetime I have seen an excluded, marginalized group of magnificent faithful saints welcomed into the Church. I just hope it doesn’t take as long this time. 

I love the Gospel, I still stay in the Church, I work in the Temple each week and it is a highlight of my life.  I know that not all can stay.  I know that the Temple brings pain to many.  I support these individuals, my LGBTQ+ brothers and sisters, family members, allies and others that have stepped away from or completely out of the Church over this policy.  That is their path and I respect the agency that allows others to make that choice; as a matter of fact for many I believe this is their best choice, their only choice for mental, emotional and spiritual well-being.  It is not my choice, it is not my path.  I still feel the pain in my heart and empathy for the pain in the hearts and souls of so many others over this policy, but I can still seek and find the Peace I did on that first dreadful night. 

Our loving Heavenly Parents and our Savior know and deeply love all of these members of the LGBTQ+ community, their families, friends and allies who are suffering over this.  They will someday, somehow “make this right”

I’m not sure what that means, or how it looks, or when it will happen, but I have a feeling inside my heart that a large part of it needs to be when the rank and file members of the Church are open minded enough with hearts softened enough to welcome Berta & Kathy, Lincoln & Robert, Spencer & Nick and so many other amazing gay couples who love God and love each other and have declared that love by committing to marriage, into our fold without judgement.  Open hearts to accept Michael, Joey, Shaun, Derek, Eve, Victoria, Andy, Chris, Jacob and too many more to count or name in to our midst without reservation, with full love, fellowship and acceptance.  Right now some of these amazing Sons and Daughters of God no longer even have a desire to be in our midst, the rejection has been too complete, too long, the pain too deep.  This is our loss.  We can do better, we must do better.  My heart tells me this so strongly.

So I stay, I am part of this church, just as much as the leaders are,  just as much as my ward members who may or may not be struggling with this like I am are.  I need to and I will make my presence felt on the pews, my voice heard over the pulpit (as it has been two or three times in the past two years) and speak up in classes.  I will honor my covenants to the best of my ability including to mourn with those that mourn and comfort those that stand in need of comfort.  There is still much mourning, there are still many desperately in need of comfort.

So I stay, I pray this policy will end.  I put my trust in God and I love as loud as I can! 

Sharing My Heart - I Am Here for You

I have been writing and editing this in my mind for a week, now it is time to share.

When I first heard the about the update in the LDS Church handbook in relation to gay marriage being classified as apostasy and the children of couples in a same-gender marriage being required to wait until age 18 for baptism and full participation in other church activities I felt disbelief, confusion, and hurt.

I realized that so many of my brothers and sisters are in deep pain and feel marginalized, unwanted and ostracized, and other things I cannot possibly begin to imagine.  There are people in my life that I love deeply who identify LGBTQ+ and others who are allies.  This includes family members and dear friends I’ve known for years, and friends I have come to know and cherish more recently.  Many of them are truly hurting. Among those suffering are people in the LGBTQ+ community and allies I have never met.  All are my brothers and sisters, all are of value.  All are Children of God. 
They. Are. In. Pain.
Deep searing pain. 
Can’t catch your breath pain.
Drowning in hopelessness and despair pain. 
Possibly even the pain that could lead to the unthinkable, desperate decision to end a life in suicide. 

What can I do in this situation?  What should I do? 

Let’s begin with what I will not do.  I am not going to go to Church leaders and demand answers.  I am not going to protest and vilify and fuel hatred. I am not going to quit or resign my membership.  That is not the answer; that is not my answer.  I have gone to the source, to my Father in the sacred name of my Savior and humbly shared my hurt and confusion and sincerely asked for understanding, for peace.  It is coming.  I still don’t understand, but I am feeling a bit more peace.  I will continue to seek more from this Pure Source.

I am going to stay true to myself, true to my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am staying in my Church; the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints that is so deeply a part of me.  I am staying true to my covenants in that church. Covenants that include mourning with those that mourn and comforting those that stand in need of comfort.   This is my answer, this is my path, and this is what I need to and will do.

I will love.  I will advocate for kindness and patience and behaving as Christ would.  I will sit in the pews each week and invite anyone who wants to sit with me to do so and welcome you with open arms.  I will even move out of “my” pew, my comfort zone in the chapel and sit with you if you need me to.  I will pray for your pain to ease.  I will be a shoulder to cry on and a friend to cry with.  I will be as Christ-like as I can.  I will fail at times, because I am a flawed, imperfect human-being, but when I fail I will try to pick up and start over and truly try to be the best I can to be there for those who need a friend, a hug and love. 

If you are an ally or identify as LGBTQ+ (whether you’re out or not) please know I am safe to reach out to.  I am safe to come out to (if you feel comfortable doing so).  I promise to do my very best to love you and mourn with you and comfort you.  I know I will never fully understand your pain, your journey and your deepest heart, but I truly believe that Jesus Christ does.  I will try to listen and empathize and help you the very best I know how, and will keep trying to learn more and improve in this ability.  I believe in Christ and kindness and love.  I hope you will allow me to share with you.  You are welcomed with my open arms, as I strive to be an extension of His arms.  

To all who are in pain over this issue (or any other) please, please, please know that
You. Are. Loved! 

Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee.

Behold, I have graven thee upon the palms of my hands; thy walls are continually before me.

Isaiah 49:15-16 (see also 1 Nephi 21:14-16) 

I also want to share the lyric to one of my favorite hymns:

1. Where can I turn for peace?
   Where is my solace
   When other sources cease to make me whole?
   When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice,
   I draw myself apart,
   Searching my soul?

Where, when my aching grows,

Where, when I languish,

Where, in my need to know, where can I run?

Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?

Who, who can understand?

He, only One.

1. He answers privately,
   Reaches my reaching
   In my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend.
   Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching.
   Constant he is and kind,
   Love without end.

I testify that Jesus Christ is the source you can turn to for peace, no matter what is causing your wounded heart, or your aching, when you have no where else to go. He does have a quiet hand to calm your anguish and he truly is the one who can fully understand.  He is your friend. He is constant and kind and he truly does love you with no end!   

Why I Don't Want a Temple Marriage, and Neither Should You

All through my growing up years I was taught to "Get Married in the Temple" as though this were the ultimate "Happily Ever After".  I've realized since that the Temple Sealing ordinance isn't the happy ending, it is, in reality, the "Once, Upon a Time", the beginning of the story.

I don't want a Temple Marriage, I want an Eternal Marriage, a Celestial Marriage.

An Eternal Marriage is one in which two imperfect people work together to become worthy of the blessings and promises of Celestial glory, a a team, as equally yoked partners.

Because we are imperfect we will often fall short of this goal, to be equal, to always be kind and caring.  But as a couple determined to make it, each person can, and will look past the imperfections of their spouse and look to overcome the imperfections in themselves.

There will always be challenges  in a marriage:

• Loss of employment
• Illness
• Wayward children
• Financial difficulties
• Time demands of other responsibilities 
• Intimacy 
• Getting complacent in the relationship 

and so many more 

If you and your spouse are committed to one another and to working through these challenges together, as a team.  Fiercely loyal to one another, determined to work on the struggles side-by-side, letting your strength as a team overcome all of the outside stuff you will achieve the happily ever after, after all.

Relying on one another, relying on Christ and His Atonement to help heal the hurt in the world around you and improve the weaknesses in yourself, allowing them to be made into strengths.  As a three person team: husband, wife, the Lord you will be unstoppable.  Stumbles may happen, but you can get up and keep moving forward, together. 

That marriage that will survive and thrive through this mortal life, not parted by death, but continuing into the eternities.  This Eternal Marriage, Celestial Marriage is my goal, and I hope it is yours too.

Missing Shawna

Four years ago today my dear friend Shawna passed from this life. Shawna was (is) one of the most loving, caring Christ-like people I have ever met. Unfortunately for all the light she brought to others she lived in darkness herself, suffering from bi-polar disorder. Her passing was by her own hand.

I met Shawna almost 11 years ago. My son, then 6, had to have an extensive surgery. In Relief Society it was announced that Michael was going in for surgery the next day so please keep him in your prayers. His surgery would require almost a week in Primary Children's hospital following the procedure.

Later that evening a there was a knock at our door. I opened it to find Shawna standing there. She and her family were fairly new in the ward and didn't know her except by sight.

Shawna introduced herself and said that she had spent time in the hospital as a child and knew how boring and uncomfortable it could be. She gave us a wonderful care package with coloring books, play doh and a delightful books called No Jumping on the Bed. (It is to this day one of my favorite read-aloud picture books).

I was so touched by the kindness and compassion and charity it took for a total stranger to take the time to do something so thoughtful. That care package helped Michael during his hospital stay... but it changed my life.

Shawna and I became very close after that. We walked and did other exercising together. Told each other confidential things, talked together. When I needed good advice it was Shawna I usually went to. It was very hard to watch her move from the neighborhood to a community about 30 minutes away. We kept in touch for the most part. I was privileged to attend the sealing of their fifth child, a daughter they adopted in a pretty much miraculous chain of events.

Shawna was a wonderfully talented person. She had the voice (and personality) of an angel. She also was very spiritual and had a strong testimony of the Gospel.

In the early spring of 2005 I was in a musical that centered on a temple dedication. I was also on the production team. We wanted to double cast the show and needed another leading lady. I tried several times, unsuccessfully, to reach Shawna by phone to invite her to take part in this production.

About this time as I was driving home from work one day a neighbor flagged me down. She told me that she had seen Shawna's obituary in the paper that day. I raced back to work to pick up a copy of the paper. I read that Shawna had returned to her Heavenly Father after a long fight with mental illness. I feared the worst, that Shawna had committed suicide.

I felt as though the earth had fallen out from under me. I was devastated. I didn't know what the eternal consequences were for this terrible choice, but remembering a story I had heard about a near death experience and that the person who had the experience had witnesses the hell-like suffering of someone who had killed them self.

I could not bear to think of my beautiful, loving friend suffering like that. I cried non-stop for days. I could barely function. I plead with the Lord for peace, but it did not come. What if I could never see Shawna, whom I love like a sister, again.

I know that the Lord prompting me to reach out to Shawna, even though I didn't connect with her was a tender mercy to me. I know that I tried to reach out to her. I don't feel guilty for not being there for her. He greatly blessed me in this.
After several days of this painful existence I drove the 30 minutes to her funeral. I greeted her loving husband, David, at the viewing. He wrapped his arms around me and said "Oh Lisa, she loved you." As I saw her lying there I still felt despair, that empty shell was not my beautiful friend, she was gone possibly forever.

Shawna's beautiful sister Cherie greeted me. I knew Cherie fairly well through Shawna. We hugged and cried. Cherie was scheduled to speak. I don't know how she had the strength to do that. I went into the chapel to wait for the funeral to begin and continued to sob.

We heard several talks about the wonderful Christ-like person Shawna was, how she always tried to help those in need. She literally visited those in prison and tried to share friendship and hope.

David also spoke. He read from an Ensign article from October of 1987 by Elder M. Russell Ballard entitled "Suicide, Some Things We Know, and Some We Do Not". Elder Ballard quoted Elder Bruce R. McConkie:

The late Elder Bruce R. McConkie, formerly of the Quorum of the Twelve, expressed what many Church leaders have taught: “Suicide consists in the voluntary and intentional taking of one’s own life, particularly where the person involved is accountable and has a sound mind. … Persons subject to great stresses may lose control of themselves and become mentally clouded to the point that they are no longer accountable for their acts. Such are not to be condemned for taking their own lives. It should also be remembered that judgment is the Lord’s; he knows the thoughts, intents, and abilities of men; and he in his infinite wisdom will make all things right in due course.” (Mormon Doctrine, Salt Lake City: Bookcraft, 1966, p. 771; some italics added.)

This was a turning point. I felt I had been given a great gift... hope. I should point out that David works in the media department of the Church. He works closely with the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and the First Presidency. These good men knew the trial David and his family were going through at this time. Elder Jeffery R. Holland made the trip from Salt Lake City, skipping a meeting with the First Presidency and Quorum of the Twelve to attend the funeral with the blessing of President Gordon B. Hinckley.

I think it is an unwritten rule in LDS funerals that if an apostle shows up he speaks, even if he was not on the program.

This wonderful gentle man, whom I sustain as a prophet, seer and revelator; who has been called and set apart as a Special Witness of Jesus Christ stood and spoke. He spoke of the love of President Hinckley, he spoke of the wonderful Plan of Salvation. He quoted scripture that tells us that by our good works we are saved. He promised that Shawna, having done many good works, and leaving her five beautiful children as evidence of some of her best work that she still might gain her exaltation!

The tears I had been shedding for days continued to flow, increased even, but now rather than tears of despair they were tears of joy! I knew then, as I still know that Shawna will be okay. I know that a loving Father in Heaven and our Savior are in charge. They have the unique ability to look on the heart and intentions of all. They can judge so perfectly and are also merciful. Jesus, our loving brother has the unique position of having suffered our sins and sorrows. He knows perfectly the feelings of anguish I had been feeling, he could heal me. Even more importantly he knows and understands the feelings of hopelessness Shawna was feeling that lead her to this tragic decision. He can also heal her, eternally.

I always had learned about the Atonement of Jesus Christ and believed in the power it had to change lives through repentance. But until I lost Shawna and suffered misery untold over it, then felt the wonderful peace and joy I had been begging for I did not fully comprehend the infinite power it has. I am sure there is still much I can and should learn about the far reaching consequences of this unimaginable and selfless act of true and pure love.

One of the hymns sung at Shawna's funeral was Where Can I Turn For Peace. It was one of her favorite hymns and is now one of my favorites.

Where can I turn for peace? Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole? When with a wounded heart, anger or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul?

Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run? Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish? Who, who can understand? He only One.

He answers privately, reaches my reaching in my Gethsemane, Savior and Friend. Gentle the peace he finds for my beseeching. Constant he is and kind, Love without end.

Shawna gave me many gifts and blessings through her friendship, but her final and greatest gift she gave me in her life was a greater testimony of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. The words of this hymn are true. Christ truly is our friend and through his infinite love we can find peace.

I have been blessed to feel Shawna near me a few times in the past four years. I know that, occasionally, she is helping guide my life. She helped me reconnect with Cherie recently, with powerful results for me. God, in his mercy has allowed these tender mercies in my life. I am grateful.

I love you Shawna, I think of you often and miss you so much. I sometimes even pray that the Lord will continue to watch over you and bless you as you continue to progress. I look forward to seeing you again. Thank you for all you taught me through your life and example.

Lisa

P.S. I promise that this is not going to be a blog only about death! I have just had two wonderful daughters of God on my mind a lot lately.

In Loving Memory of Katelyn Mikolasy

On March 6, 2009 this world lost a wonderful person. My son Michael's friend Katelyn Mikolasy was accidentally shot and killed by a friend.

I never had the opportunity to meet Katelyn, known as "Kat" to her friends. I wish I had met her. By all accounts she was a bright, vivacious beautiful girl that was full of life. Kat was always kind to everyone. She sought out those who especially needed friends and befriended them.

Kat was fun to be around and made others feel better just by being near her. She laughed all the time. Michael and Kat had a TV Broadcasting class together. They worked on a few projects together. Michael has shared video clips with me of Kat's wonderful infectious laugh! She was a bright spot to all who came in contact with her, even many who never actually met her.

I know that Kat is in a wonderful place. She is reunited with her Father in Heaven, She is, I believe. as Lehi described "encircled about eternally in the arms of his love". This can provide some comfort, but does not lessen the ache we feel when we miss her so much.

Less than an hour before Kat passed away she was in contact with her mother, Patsy. Kat had texted a request to stay out past curfew. When her mom replied that she should some home on time Kat agreed. When the doorbell rang at about the time Kat was expected home her mother was puzzled as to why her daughter was ringing the bell. Instead of Kat a police officer was at the door to break the tragic news.

Despite the tragic manner in which Patsy lost her only child she recognized that Katelyn's death was an accident and forgave the young man who had been playing with the gun immediately.

Katelyn's Christ-like friendship and love for people as well as Patsy's Christ-like compassion and forgiveness inspire me so much.

Only once before has the passing of someone so profoundly touched my life. I have learned a lot from the way Kat led her life.


Reach out to others, love the unlovable, let go of judgements, assume the best of all you meet.

Life is fragile. Live each day with fullness, leave no loving word unsaid, leave no kind deed undone.

Make a difference each day: smile at someone, give somebody a hug, say that nice thing you are thinking, laugh out loud!

Live, Laugh, Love!!!